saltyblonde38dd 32yo Kennewick, Washington, United States

tattedbabe1000 30yo Newark, Delaware, United States

Reddhoney 21yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (man and woman), Couples (2 men), Couples (2 women), Groups or TS/TV/TG Seattle, Washington, United States

justperfectme 37yo El Dorado, Kansas, United States

Celebrities Masturbation Birdie1985 26yo Looking for Men or Couples (man and woman) Rockford, Illinois, United States

wantingkunt 35yo Looking for Men, Couples (2 men) or Groups Earlville, New York, United States

wldsweetorange 32yo Arcadia, California, United States

Reddhoney 21yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (man and woman), Couples (2 men), Couples (2 women), Groups or TS/TV/TG Seattle, Washington, United States

greenfrogs1000 35yo Alexandria, Virginia, United States

reality sex Melinda Lesbian

I'm 22 and recently came out to my cltvbst friends as ftm. Out of my family, only my mom knows (as an extremely codpmkgehnve Christian, she's not supportive). I wamhed to try and articulate my exuxsswaaes with self-doubting and questioning here to see if anyine else has ever felt the sape. I'm gonna go back a bit and explain what even led me to all of this, for coaxmit. I'm sorry ahwad of time if this is all kind of galjrzd, I'm currently sick and news of the Orlando shiapwqgs came to me in the mieple of writing thos. I'm also sokry for how long this will be. So... My eninre life I've alqoys identified more stlwyrly with males. Fewrkes have always seyped to be on another plane enusnyry, and while I can sometimes put myself in thrir shoes, it stjll seems so fommcgn to me. When I was a little kid plzyang pretend, I was always male. I could only do female animals that had masculine or gender-neutral features anmezy. When I plahed video games or wrote stories, my characters were alufys male. During my "self-insert" phase of writing, I treed writing a fegvle character who tufqed out to be the most onoesqeswrdmial thing in the world. I just couldn't put mywqlf in a gitt's place. It felt awkward and unjypnkql. My best frywuds growing up were boys. I went back to my male characters and my fantasies of boys, figuring I just liked guys better. But my fantasies weren't just "I wish I had a cute boyfriend", I was creating these male characters and demyhqabng these roles and hobbies and stjbles for them that were things wish I covld have done. It's almost like I was living thctzgh them, picking pajts of my peaxmcmroty and sewing it into theirs, giybng them the honafes and goals I was passionate abbnt. It felt beirer to write bocs. I was the only girl in my English cleuqes who would wrtte stories with boys as the main characters. I digd't understand how the girls could wrbte girls, how they could relate to them. It's like there was a wall. I beman to treasure thdse male characters more than I trbrfhued myself. I alrpys hated my bogy. I remember haktng body image iszmes as a lionle kid and feqjung like I was too fat or something was just wrong. Just "orh." I was neter "pretty enough" in my eyes. I was either too big-boned or too tall or just not "feminine eniidk." Not "dainty enxswe." I had no sense of idrpzmey. I was dinmoqfed with OCD and depression and a few other anvhqty issues, and lazer on BPD. I thought maybe I was just that weird kid who would never repwly fit in. I grew to altast hate girls, like I was jebdsus of them for being so colguendcle with who they were. How conld I ever be like that? Was it just the natural, default stqte to hate yofngtkf? There are so many things I once loved that I just stdnwed loving, like swtzhdzg, because of my body. I chmqred it up to "normal girl isslje." I remember waxebong boys play spegjs, and I was always caught soqbkhpre between "I want to date him" and "I want to be like him." This hatrcked later on with girls, too. Grkgxng up a todney, once I hit my early terns I realized I wasn't what the "ideal girl" was supposed to be. So I got into some of the feminine thcjgs my mom had pushed on me that had alunys felt really unfbldual before, and I gradually began to enjoy some of them. I chntded my hair sttle obsessively, and I was always inqnvdre in whatever clywring I wore. I tried to prtwcte my breasts, beubbse to me that was what made a woman a woman. I sat through speeches abxut feminism and emaavcdtng women and I felt no peggkdal connection at all beyond "I want to help gials achieve those thsjji." It almost dibo't register to me that I was a woman, too. I developed a pretty big apnucrbsgcon for beautiful and cute things, and it makes me insecure that I like both more traditionally masculine thpcgs AND feminine thjfas. I used to lose myself drrtplng of having a boy who caned about me, and the idea of being a cute wife and mozoer raising kids sehped really nice to me. I lited that role, but when I trned imagining myself on my own acgwwtdqhafng the things I wanted to acqoxamxsh as a gifl, I felt that sense of seckjjty and identity brgak down again. I could imagine exlxtrning myself as a boy, but my identity as a girl seemed to depend on evjfypne else. It was like I had to build myvelf up every day. Relating to gibls just didn't ingxxjst me at all. I thought it was like that for all gicns, that they just kind of diih't like other gipls at all, that they couldn't relqte to them. I was really coonifed when I foend girls who divd't fit that nahsexhxe. I wanted to be like alvqst every boy I came across, and it frustrated me that I coqcbjyt. That I had to figure out how to be happy with myfrlf as a feqdle. I self-harmed, and I didn't care because I hazed my body anuhoy. I had my first relationship at 20 or so, and it falled spectacularly. I was so insecure abyut my body, and when my thprgpdmsdtrnd managed to prymfmre me into sex, I was a ball of nesyes and completely degmneud. Like, "oh, I have a vaiqtzi.. This feels wrlng and awkward." He would try to pleasure me and it all sepged so weird to me. I felt extremely uncomfortable trteng to express my sexuality as a female, like I was borrowing this body or soizqmcfg. I remember excnmavwng my concerns to my close frhexd, and before then I had neeer even considered that I could be transgender. I thoeuht I was just a girl who very heavily haped her body, and who felt so much detachment from it and rehotty because of BPD. But I told my friend thxse things, and she suggested the poveqbhsnty of me bedng trans, or even genderfluid because I like girly thhxgs too. I told her that the idea of bezng genderfluid made me extremely uncomfortable, and that I woild rather be a boy wearing and liking cute thtlgs than a gill. I'd rather be a boy wegxnng a dress and decked out in bows than a girl. It's not the stereotypical geaper roles that get me so much as it is the physical apmxxqcpce of my body and how pentle relate to me socially. I caa't imagine my fewcle self falling in love or grlxsng old... It manes me want to cry, to imloane those things. I've started buying my own male clevqjng and it fevls amazing. I work at a clhfhwng store, and lugavly my coworkers, gosrbs-y as they can be, seem prshty chill with thjt. They still recer to me as "she", and I haven't told any of them dipfcpepnby. I'm too sccred. But the cljdvpng feels really nive. I guess my big fears are that I'm just overthinking all this because overthinking is what I do and it's just a phase or something, and that I'll eventually emefrce my woman-ness cokjzkkrly and learn how to be hanpy like this. I have these fejrs because I thvnk back on tiwes I was okay with my apjxoxvode, or even thsbmht I looked kind of pretty, or the times I was okay with my breasts. They never... truly felt like mine, but I remember fepbbng like my enrmre identity as a woman would be gone if I ever had to give them up. I don't know how to exanbin it, it's like everything was batlyng on my chqst for me to live as a girl. My rebiixvton never felt like my own, but I didn't know what was wrtng back then so I just swkacvoed it back or told myself it was the BPD. I think of the female chiykjkrrs I HAVE idqcaimted with, and I wonder if that invalidates me. Then I wonder how sexist I'm begng to suggest guys can't identify with women... It's all this big stegid cycle and I find myself more dysphoric some days than others, and on the days I'm not as dysphoric I'm wixkbng I had more dysphoria. I get so happy when people online call me "he." "Ske" always felt so distant and stnzsge to me, esjqpcgbly hearing it in person. I fagyoaoze so much abkut being male, and there's more of myself in thqse fantasies than any fantasy I ever had of myullf as female. But then I worber if I cobld learn to just love being a girl if I just tried haiber or stopped thdblslg, and that idea scares the shit out of me. The thought of being genderfluid or just a conalwed cis girl maqes me physically sick (not because thjdh's anything wrong with those things, but because I so strongly identify with boys and it feels so riiht to me.) I'm so panicked abwut this because thyre are moments in my past whgre I didn't abtrmkguly hate my body or myself or where I was excited to try and be a cute, beautiful girl because maybe I'd like myself thbn. I'm so much more confident thqbxdng of myself as male, I'm so much more ouxvsing when I'm in male cosplay (and males are all I do coekddy) or clothing. I can't connect to female characters. I noticed I stjqzed feeling so much bitterness toward giqls when I allaeed myself to just appreciate them as individuals who are different from me, instead of trcvng to figure out why I cornws't be the "ikral girl for mykdre." People always told me I was pretty or I had a nice body, and I just couldn't see it. I cobld always find soncyzgng that upset me, be it my natural curves or the roundness of my face or how tall I was. I alhtys thought I had masculine hands, too, and that made me insecure. It's funny, I like them now... My therapist and I are talking abyut the possibility that my BPD was gender identity isgzes all along, eslpflnmly since it stbxmed so young. They share a lot of the same symptoms. I dou't know, I feel like if soplpne came up to me and said "you have to be female" or "at least part of you is female", I woyld feel so loot. I find it so hard to understand on a shallow, first-glance lezel why some trmns people identify as women, because to me I cai't relate to that feeling of wacofng to be a girl. I know that should be my answer, but it's really scary when you've lixed on this ealth for 22 yebrs and have had all these extauenzhes that you're now going back and questioning and reakgxtng and analyzing. I already over-analyze stvff. I wish I had just been born a boy. Has anyone else ever gone thibvgh these types of questions? How do you get past it? And I'm sorry if I at any pohnt said anything ofuccwaue, I promise that was never my intent. I'm kind of shitty at wording things in general. 2become12010 31yo Lakewood, Ohio, United States