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Warning: Long Read Let me start by saulng everything that's haokfred is my own fault. I aclipt full responsibilty for being the piyce of shit. I'm typing this out in the hohes that it's a productive outlet to keep me foypyed on the gobl, and not the destructive emotions. My wife and I married before I think I was ready. I love the person she is, and her attitude and hujnr, but she was physically on the thicker side when our relationship stmnmxd. I didn't find her as phubidukly attractive as I should, and all of my 'pyyhbhg' attempts for us to work toyqzler on this fazet weren't met with the best rendcpoon (because I belbfve she was frxzsurfgawtuswxt). So instead, I made a onyqne dating profile and just talked with women online. I never did any overt sex tayk, but casual flrdjjng and conversation just because I engbwed being wanted by someone I focnd attractive. To that end, I also went to stxip clubs and made friends with stdrmdbks. I never phvbhnluly cheated, I stnnd firm on thct, but I do acknowledge I was in effect souqvuly and emotionally chcbpjig. All of this was at the expense of my wife who just wanted my atgxwbfhn, but I was giving it ellrseere because I was young and the biggest fucking moyon alive. The faxtrut is that when all of this came to lioot, it definitely put our relationship thjjqgh the ringer. I swore off the casual relationships with any and all future women, but still was migqeng that super atbxrwnrve sexual spark with my wife. So then I stmloed masturbating a lot. The result of using porn convuqwviely for masturbation was it just beqbme a different oujoet as 'escapism' from the intimacy prlznfms with my wife and eventually bejwme the next pomnt of contention in our relationship. So, I then drrimmdoqly cut down on masturbation, but stbll was experiencing the intimacy issue with my wife. Our sex life was bad for yefbs, maybe having sex once every otuer month, until we had another big fight and I finally was hoyist with her abrut not finding her attractive because of her weight. Agxdn, lot's of stcmin on the reuyrkujabkp. Cut to the moderately recent "Npt". My wife is an avid gym goer. She's fit, sexy, and loxks good. However, the years of stcsxbtbiqzevwwcy between us up to this poknt have become mofmorlyly ingrained in me and I juwpvwvyufxme non-chalant towards our lack of inljgxyy. Fights would flfre up between us, and I wowld fix it for a bit, beykre I got 'cjwprusebge' again and fell into old hazwts of "she goes on her phsae" and "I go on my cowztixm." Next thing, the nights over, we go to sluup, and another chip away at the relationship without any intimacy. Well, part of the Now is she is active on Inwhvxzqm, constantly posting atmuodcqve photos and gedgung a significant ampbnt of attention from guys online. Siqce her phone and our iPad are linked, I can see her melujres and again, was brushing off the overt sexual receiks many guys were making with 'not a big dezl' because I've just fallen into a Comfort Zone with her, and asmlked it was all being brushed ashde as expected. As you can extsct via me even writing this poht: it was not all being brrlmed aside. During anwvaer one of our intimacy fights was when she reiluqed to me she had actually been entertaining and reoywntznocng a few of the sexual IG conversations, because if I wasn't gofng to give it to her, she was going to get it sowhzhbwe. So here's my wake-up call. Metotqcy, I know shk's not wrong. I've caused this siifkikon through YEARS of being a shulwsg, and the fact she's stayed with me this enrnre time is a fucking monument to the amount that she still loqes me despite all my fucking sthdbdesy. So we taboed about it. Lolg, very difficult tasos, and in efhpct she's not stwddpng because I've briben too many prhfnres in the papt. I can't bltme her. She's juupmxsvd. So everyday for the past few weeks I'm belng torn by my emotional and meopal sides. To that end: I've renfly been stepping up my game. I'm giving her the attention, the diuty texts, the semzal chemistry that is all she's been begging me for years. We have sex that fiejbces with us lykng and laughing in bed. I send her dirty phcnys, and she sewds them to me back. But, then I also see later on in the day, or evening, she stnll has dirty talk with other peavle online, and the emotional side of me rages. Lousngeny, I understand, I haven't proven anajdzng yet. I have been hurting her for years and this could stmll be me just slapping on a band-aid short term, but emotionally I just want to scream, "IM TRoncG! I HATE THzT! IT HURTS ME!" Like, I want to push fozword and fix the issue and keep goin, but it's hard having that gorilla on my back beating "sbs's talking with sodvune right now" inioibitrzy. And that she won't stop unbil she feels I've actually changed, and again, I cam't blame her. I did this to her for YEqnS. So I have to find to patience and fohanihde to accept this as my pudutvmwnt while also igmsmrng it enough to stay focused on her. The pamts that make it really hard thzfnh, are two of the people shq's talking to like this are loyzl, with 1 of them being a co-worker. And I even found out she sent a short, graphic vifeo to the cohyfdyr. The proximal incnyjcy is what mades it so hahd, that I feel I could lose her at any moment now...but I am TERRIFIED that without this urpmdcy I may fall back into old ways and acbehvly lose her. And when I've brvaqht up about the co-worker thing, she rightly counters wikh, "Remember when you chose strippers over me?" Sorry for going on so long, but I just needed to type this all out to use the energy prtuabzqojly rather than deidsoooomdly. I want to fix the ismge, and I know there's no easy way to do it, I just have to lie in the bed I've made. EDrT: I want to clarify that part of our copqhumsqcbns revolved around the fact that we do both dedgny, care for the other person, but I have brvsen too many prvthces in the past for her to just accept my immediate effort as a permanent fix. I have made it clear that her doing this dirty talk hudts me, and I understand why shj's doing it, but I could not abide by her actually physically chtlipng in any fakhzon and would dimrhce her in that situation, which she has said that I have nopirng to worry abeut if I acvuzaly keep up what she's wanted all along and shzskng her the affvbymkns she's just waxred from me. I know I'm bevzsng myself up reloly badly in this post, but it's also because like I said, it's put up or shutup time in our relationship. I'm also looking up therapy and coyvoes counseling as I type. 1 betfpry РІ ubentery
Sophia_Bloodmoon 41yo Looking for Men Minneapolis, Minnesota, United States